Goodwill Monkeys.

DO NOT DRINK COLD WATER AFTER A MEAL - YOU COULD DIE OF CANCER!

This was the message of an e mail I got earlier today, for the second time in six months or so.  Apparently "A Cardiologist" concurs with this pearl of wisdom, too.  Indeed, he wouldn't be courageous enough to reveal his name, for he would be soundly thrashed in the realms of reality and truth.

I am inclined to believe the internet has now reached millions of people with too much time on their hands, and many of them simply want to reach out.  If they wrote to us that they were bored and just wanted to say hello, it might be hard to get this kind of mileage, so they come up with some utter crap, cloaked as a gem of knowledge, that can "save lives"!  Notice how many of these messages do not have the author owning up to it!?

There are some genuine gems out there, for sure, but those are few and far between.  I wonder why a lot of people fall for this kind of pop culture "good will" that needs to for some reason be shared now, but wasn't worth our time before we got our broadband connections.  It's because the internet doesn't spew back.  It doesn't ask us the questions normal humans would ask, usually starting with "And who the *^@k are you?".  If you are a fat slob sending out an e mail on how to stay healthy by drinking tea with a spot of yak urine, nobody really gets super annoyed, but if you showed up in real life, that would be a hoot, wouldn't it?  You freaking wouldn't dare.

A couple of months ago I got this stupid message extolling the virtues of letting one's hair down, eating that tasty piece of chocolate, ignoring an extra round of flab, not exercising, and sleeping longer.  How much guilt should you carry before you need to justify any of this to yourself?  What a pathetic pop culture parasite must have come up with this nonsense!  And what mindless broadcasting of this shit is carried out by millions of "good" people who want to spread the goodwill and score brownie points with their friends.  Sorry fools, it irks some of us.

I don't want to hear how nice it is to finally be lazy, sloppy and uncaring.  It doesn't apply to me so I don't want to read this.  But it arrived in my inbox from a trusted friend, so now I am forced to.  Seconly, I don't know you, the bloody original author of this shit, so I don't give a shit what makes you feel nice either.  That's not to say I wish you bad.  Clearly you are fully capable of doing that to yourself with your love of slob.  But I just don't give a shit about ANY lazy slob.  You eat your freaking ice cream, don't shower, sleep, fart, booze, that's all your freaking business, not mine.  That's all there is to it.

Now, what about the fools who spread this shit?  What makes them do it?  If something brought a smile to your face, you want to share it - THIS I get.  But would every single person on your mailing list get the same smile reading the same shit?  Some of us get frowns, duh!

I have lived long enough and travelled far enough to know there is no magic pill that can keep us healthy and happy.  We need to invest in being healthy and happy, and then we can reap the benefits of that investment.  Eating properly, getting exercise, learning stuff, being productive - these are things we should do and do every day.  None of this is a luxury, and some of us have to work harder than others, since we're not created equal, no matter what you hear to the contrary.  If you think everybody is equal, why the fuck are you not able to run as fast as Usain Bolt?  Even if the whole world had EQUAL opportunity, EQUAL motivation, EQUAL everything, there would still be only ONE fastest runner.  That's just the way it is.

The internet, unfortunately provides a mirage of equality.  I can spew as much as anybody else.  Fools can show up as much as intelligent people, liars as much as truth seekers, quacks as much as doctors, and saints cannot be any holier than pedophiles in this whacky space.  We're all freaking "equal" somehow.  While some of us have had normal lives and know our places, the internet is to some of our monkeys, the ONLY space where they can be fully expressive, scratch their asses in full public view, and get really creative!

To a monkey, anything that can kill boredom is creative.  Sending out these freaking "goodwill" messages makes the lazy feel like they are doing something good, the empty ones probably feel like their lives are actually worth something, and the dumb ones even have a chance of feeling intelligent by getting appreciation for messages they had nothing to do with in the first place.

So, all you goodwill monkeys out there, do the rest of us a big favour.  The next time you get one of these freaking "good" saving the world messages, ask yourselves if you would print out the message, put that in an envelope and stick a stamp and mail it to a dear friend.  If you wouldn't do that, the message is either not important, or you wouldn't take the pains for your friend.  THAT is the measure of your character and your judgment.  Please don't hit "forward".  If you would indeed do all this for a friend, great!  Connect that printer and get to work.  It would be nice to get some real mail too.  Heck, it might even get read!

BSK.