Chicks on flicks?

I wonder why I never checked out this program on Sony Pix before. After all I am fond of flicks and chicks, though not all of either.

All factors considered, I decided to stay on this program for a while, just to see if there was possibly one program I could actually endure that came out of Mumbai.

It didn't take very long for my head to scream - Fake, fake, fake!

It would be easy to rubbish this with - "Well, what did I expect when it comes out of the same sewer that produces fake rubbish all year round?" After all, one of them is an actress who went to theatre school. There are lots of theatre school alumni doing very well as waitresses. See, with actresses, you never know what they're going to dish out next. This bloody show was certainly not on my menu, and it certainly won't be on any sane person's order.

These two chicks Neha Sareen and Ira Dubey stand out as a comedy of their own, as amateurish and silly as two high school kids reading stuff their unimaginative teacher wrote for them to look good on stage. Could they please spare us the fake stuff? No, of course not! Could they at least save us from the big words that don't stick? Could someone tell them that language that looks impressive on paper doesn't necessarily work in the spoken medium? (Especially when the writers haven't received on screen credit)

How much of this can we take - "Incisively adapted", "Creating ambiguity to provoke thinking", "Minimalistic camerawork", "motifs", "Verbose screenplay", "Aesthetic framing of characters particularly in the silent scenes", "Showered in golden hues", "Visual beauty was mocking them", "milky camerawork", and lots of rubbish about art direction and editing and all the technical stuff you shouldn't have to care about when you sit down to watch a movie. On and on these chicks carry on with the same insincere, hurried, staid presentation, utterly lacking in emotional connect and constipated in delivery of every overcooked comment! God! I thought I was done cursing Mumbai and the idiots it marinates!

Somehow Mumbai can make crap out of anything. The good thing about obvious crap, however, is that one can get beyond the incompetence and really become objective about the show itself. With Chicks on Flicks, if the insincerity doesn't get you, the intellectual masturbation is sure to. You better let yourself start laughing. It doesn't take much to get merciless against this much dearth of ability.

To cap off a lousy review with something like - "Revolutionary Road makes Titanic look like Pretty Woman"! Wow! I wonder how confused people who have seen all three movies would be if they heard this.

Why the heck do these chicks have to tell us about "American suburbia", "compelling characters", and that the director allowed the "camera simply observe Leonardo and Kate feed off each other"? Yeah right! Nothing could be further from the truth. No working director employed by a major American studio shooting with expensive professional actors has the freedom to do anything as remotely organic as letting two actors feed off each other on camera. That happens in the script reading process, and that's the end of that. Now, to expect us to be morons who are still willing to join in an intellectual orgy - that's way too insulting.

The sadly funny part is - It doesn't need that much intelligence to know who the target audience for this show is - English speaking, urban Indians who watch English language movies. Simple, right? Now who in this target audience needs two fools addressing them telling them what movies to watch? They know where to get their reviews from!

If this weren't pain enough, we have to endure these chicks telling us if we should "Catch it", or "Trash it", as if these two were some sort of experts in cinema. Give us a break. According to a bit on India-forums.com - "Neha Sareen began her modelling career as a hand or leg model. He joined Lintas and would help out by being a hand or a leg model." Yes, if she could be extensively occupied being a hand or leg model, I suppose He could give its mouth a rest.

Renee Zellweger came on "The Actors' Studio" immediately after this stupid show, and there wasn't one single bit of intellectual masturbation. She spoke about her brother who would beat her up, about her father who is a very clever person, how she learned not to judge people, and how she went to school in the day, worked during the night, and how she once went to a set and pretended like she knew what she was doing! And at the end of that story, all she had to say was, "Anyway, it worked out okay!".

What a difference!

Guess what? We can tell.

Our chicks on flicks should really get themselves on a Revolutionary Road to find out who they are, what they can do, and what they can't, and not involve us in the pain of finding out.