Talking about movies

Why the heck do people talk about their movies?

If a picture is worth a thousand words, that would be twenty four
thousand words per second, or one million four hundred and forty words
per minute, 172,800,000 words to substitute for the experience of a
two hour film. Really, what does anyone have to say that will take
172,800,000 words? And who has the patience to listen?

But surely, if you can throw at us one thousand four hundred and forty
pictures a minute, and 172,800 pictures in a two hour escape, you
should have something to say, and do it without having to yap about it
on talk shows, on promos, and you can definitely spare the print
media.

Figures apart - Do people making movies need to talk because they
forgot to say something when the movie was being made? Shouldn't the
work speak for itself? Okay, so you want to get us curious about your
film? That's what trailers are for, aren't they?

What is this whole nonsense about film makers, directors, producers,
actors, and everybody connected with a movie talking about what they
have just unleashed upon us? Usually, they're making excuses or lying
about something that is not quite so in the movie. I'll tell you why.
If it is an incredible movie, all we need is to hear that from a
friend, and we will rush to the theatres. If it is a terrible movie,
we'll get to hear about that as well.

The greatest works of art didn't have the artists promoting it all
over the world, like pimps trying to push an old hag down the throats
of sex starved men. Nobody in the world is going to die if they
didn't see a movie. They would feel horrible if they got suckered
into buying a ticket to a lousy movie, and most of the time, the
promos are trying to get us suckered.

It is one thing to splash Spiderman all over the newspaper and get you
all excited. That's okay, for the movie appeals to a lot of different
people, and we all know what to expect by the way. It's really all
about letting the kids know Spiderman is out and they should pester
their parents. To be honest, I thought Spiderman delivered on the
promise. But what I don't get is people making shitty little dramas
with confused character motivation, lousy action, and pathetic
narrative, and then actually having the nerve to use words like
"exploring the emotional dimensions of two disturbed souls...." and
crap like that.

There could be narcissicism! Of course, some directors just
absolutely love what they have produced, even though it is obvious to
most of us that the work is nothing short of thievery on people's
time. The less honest and more prevalent reason is the assumption
that most people who fall for the promo are idiots. Some just love
the sound of their own voices, and some actually believe they can
convince us a piece of crap is worth seeing, if they give us enough
intellectual spiel to masturbate over!

We know promotions work to some extent. We know they help sell
tickets. But at the end of the day, there is nothing anybody can add
with words to what is missing on the screen. If it was possible,
there should be a storybook, not a movie! Not that there are so many
great storybooks out there either, but the publishing industry is
usually a lot more honest with the material and the abilities of the
writer.

If you go to a restaurant, and the chef gives you a half an hour
lecture on how many wonderful ingredients he used, how slow the fire
was, and how deliciously coloured the spices were and what an aroma
there was in the kitchen as he cooked it, and then serves you a lousy
plate of dhal, how would that make you feel? Most Indian film makers
are very capable of doing exactly this. The lousy dhal is okay if you
could just send it away, but that doesn't happen at the movies, does
it? The thieves have got you for full whack with their talk, and then
you're screwed with the terrible movie that follows!

Dear shotmakers, you need to grow up a lot before we can confer upon
you the title of "film makers" - We don't need to be told in words
what a film is about. A film has its own wide canvas of expression
and it can talk on several levels - IF you know what you're doing
while making it. If you made a dud and you want to polish it, then
please... spare us the torture. Cinema is for enjoyment. If you have
delivered torture, go commit suicide, you intellectual freaks, and
don't talk on the way either!