Kill the bloody losers!

A billion of us drooled over the Oscars last year and didn't give a shit this time.

Slumdog Millionaire came and went.  It also dropped a few Oscars on Indians.  Resul Pookkutty and Rahman brought something to India that had been brought before, but with much more fanfare this time.  Nobody remembered that Bhanu Athaiya won the Oscar years earlier for her work in Gandhi.  The young media junkies ran amok with Rahman winning not one but two Oscars.

But that was all last year.  By the time the Oscars came around this year, Slumdog Millionaire was an official dud at the box office in India, did nothing to inspire anyone, and didn't even leave enough of a buzz for the same director's next film, "127 Hours" to stay longer than a week in the theatres here.

Nobody cared to watch it for Danny Boyle or for A R Rahman who scored for his English master once again.  Nobody even noticed the film came and went.

Moreover, what kind of moron would watch the Oscars when India is playing a match in the cricket world cup, especially on home turf?  The hype of last year to recruit one billion Indians to the Oscar show viewership was palpable.  The lack of it was curious this year.  Nobody wins against cricket in India.  And judging by yesterdays' game, nobody wins against India either!

But today, The Hindu reported that AR Rahman failed to win an Oscar.  http://www.thehindu.com/arts/cinema/article1497148.ece    "Failed"? Yes, according to the Press Trust Of India, this is lost ground!  It is competition, it is "losing" and "winning", and it is another notch on the great Indian achievement pole when one of us brown skinned guys gets something from some white skinned judge.  The bloody Oscar is a target.  And Rahman missed it.

In fact, The PTI on The Hindu thinks Rahman returned "empty handed", just like Danny Boyle's movie "127 Hours", despite having a handful of nominations.  So that is what we are without actually winning - empty handed.  We're impoverished, useless.  This is bad, bad, bad.

While all this is going on, this whole Oscar business is such a ho-hum for India, that it has even less buzz than one of our lasses strutting her butt trying to win Miss World.  This is all in the "been there and done that" territory for new age India.  No longer that interesting.  But we recognize the "decline" if one of our dogs on any course doesn't come absolutely Number Fucking One!

Even though we were not watching the Oscar show, we had to check on our investment.  We've called Rahman the "Mozart of Madras", even though his Oscar winning song from Slumdog was composed for a Hindi movie and thrown out by the producer of that film!  As long as whitey is willing to clap, we are willing to encourage one of us to get more claps!  That's all we care about.  Our phallic feeling of "India rising".

We Indians are grooming all our children to get to thousands of targets.  We don't give a shit about them being artists, or statesmen and stateswomen, or even being human anymore.  We just want them to fucking win.  Or else they might return "empty handed" like all the other useless nominees.  Please fucking watch out for our monsters going on the rampage.

The cricket world cup is a much bigger prize than a stupid Oscar, and our boys on the cricket field win a whole lot more internationally than our clowns in cinema.  So, why would we even give a shit about anything except cricket?  Because there is so much shit to be WON!  Because there is so much to gloat over.  Not because we love the arts, or sport, or true human merit.  But because we want to trample over everything and fucking get shit. 

Now, do you get it?

- BSK.

The Knights in the dullest armour

The Kolkata Knight Riders are at the bottom of the table.

Hah, who would have thought! Sorry, KKR fans and Shah Rukh Khan die
hards, I did.

It's no secret. The first thing about the KKR, is SRK, not cricket.
He couldn't stop showing up till the slide was beyond arrest, and now
can't show up to support the hardest time for his team. It means one
of the two things - either it really doesn't matter whether he shows
up or not, or even worse, his team loses focus with him around.

We can read all kinds of connections between one and the other, but to
a bunch of professionals getting paid astronomical sums of money, it
really shouldn't matter who is around to "support" them or not.
They're earning their keep, not fighting for their lives! If they are
so emotionally fickle that they need an actor who doesn't know a rat's
arse about the game, certainly not at a professional level, then
they're doomed anyway.

It is that Mumbai movie industry mentality of fitting in parts to try
and make a whole that stinks all over the selection of John Buchanan
as coach. It is also that mentality of getting some "foreign" touch,
just like people in poor countries wanting to buy imported cars. The
"Indian" Premier League has recruited foreign cheerleaders, without a
thought on whether we could have put up a lovely show with all the
kinds of dances and dancers we have in our country. The rest of the
world would have thoroughly enjoyed our Kathakali dancers in full
costume, no doubt.

Lalit Modi is not evolved enough or visionary enough to think about
being so Indian, but his stunt of donating money to South African
schools would have won him a few fans. You can bet the move will win
him some political leverage, but that's another feather in a beggar's
cap - he wants to kill the Indian Cricket League but wants to have
goodwill with South African school children!

What is our obsession with foreigners? John Buchanan, the fool,
wouldn't have dared suggesting rotating captains if he was coaching
Australia, but doesn't mind messing around with our poor Kolkata team.
Ganguly was and is a respected name, and there is nothing even now to
show it was Dada's incompetence that cost KKR their performance.

That's what happens when you bring in a mercenary who makes money even
if his team loses. John Buchanan is known for being ruthless, and a
guy who is hired for being ruthless as his top billable quality is not
going to go very far in any field of work. Whatever can be the reason
for a sports team doing well or not, at this level, it cannot be
discipline, and it cannot be structure.

Shane Warne doesn't even have a team meeting or a strategy meeting
until the toss is done with. The Rajasthan Royals are the defending
champions. So much for planning every detail. But Buchanan probably
knows no more about this new format of the game than his tried and
trusted discipline approach. It's easy touting your militant methods
when you already have a dominating bunch of cricketers under you, but
nobody is scared of Makhana Ntini because he can run ten kilometres at
a fast clip. Ramesh Powar, of portly carriage and rumbling movement,
is equally capable of getting your wicket with his tossed up ripper.
The truth is, there is no formula to an extended run of success in a
skill sport.

Once in a while, there will be a combination of players that will do
the job exceptionally well. It takes a very clever person to ride the
wave when it comes, and to sense opportunity in potential barely
spotted. MS Dhoni is exceptional at this job, in reading the game
from moment to moment, and quietly enforcing his team's will on the
opposition till they reach their breaking point. Under him, nobody
feels pressure and they react well when they have to, because he is
the guy who can go out and say openly that his batting has been
"pathetic" only to come up with a blistering Man of the Match knock
the very next game, choking off fancied opponents. And then he talks
about how consistent they have been (with a smile) with dropping
catches!

On the other hand, Buchanan wants more foreign players in his side.
The clown needs to be reminded of this being the INDIAN Premier
League, not his grandmother's colonial slave plantation. It is a
clash of mentalities, and he has reacted very typically. The process
oriented disciplinarian will always blame something in the process
when something goes wrong. The worst losers always blame the system
working against their scheme of things. People who are so obsessed
with discipline and process are usually the empty shells when it comes
to ability, especially when it needs a touch of creativity. Control
freaks never make good coaches.

It was very ungainly seeing Shah Rukh Khan climbing on and hip humping
Shoaib Akhtar during one of the presentation ceremonies in the first
edition of the IPL. Shah Rukh Khan wants so much attention, it is a
surprise there is even a game on when he is around. Then that
exchange with Gavaskar, telling him to mind his own business when the
senior pro made a comment about the rotating captaincy not being a
good idea. None of this translated to the bottomline, and it isn't
Shah Rukh Khan's fault that his team isn't performing, but he can
certainly make it look better by staying away.

Right now, all the clowning has gone below ground, for if KKR lose
another match, and they will, they might as well go home. Shah Rukh
Khan lies exposed, looking miserable and stupid. John Buchanan
certainly wasn't paid to show up last, and KKR, without a leader they
can stick around and rally around, wonder why their coach wants more
foreign players on the field, knowing fully well that their already
very "foreign" players like Brendon McCullum haven't done anything
impressive so far.

It's a mess. But it's a weirdly shameless smiling mess. It's a
showy, glitzy mess, like another movie from Mumbai. KKR is a clear
example of how things can go wrong when the focus is on all things
except the deliverable quantity. They're not a happy team. They
aren't playing good cricket. They have let their fans down, and
they're not picking up any new fans if they continue on this path.
But then, who can tell Mumbai cinema what kind of movie not to make?
All they know is coming up with some more s**t covered in glitz. And
Shah Rukh Khan is their top representative. He is in no mood to sell
KKR because nobody would be paying the price he thinks he should get!
Maybe he should try and sell his team to some foreign sucker.