Thursday, April 9, 2009

One billion rights to remain stupid.

What is it that one billion people do together - sneeze, cough, spit,
hang our heads, cheer, have a hiccup, climb a tree... on and on...!
Oh, it's the IPL! Of course we do! Wait a minute! Do we? If we
did, then there's no point having eight teams, is there? There is no
way all of us would cheer for the same team the same way, and all
together. Even the Bangalore Boozards have their own fan following
and a Chennai Super Kings fan would never bother about a team led by a
guy called "The Wall" in any case. So, even if one billion Indians
watched cricket, they wouldn't by a long shot, do anything together,
unless it was India playing Pakistan in a world cup encouter. In
India, we fight for our right to be stupid, and we are never denied
that right. How lovely!

But the advertising world is famous for inflicting abject stupidity
upon us, and it is reaching insulting proportions.

Look at the latest Lifebuoy ad. where people in one building A used
the damn soap, and the people in building B didn't. Apparently, the
kids in building A were cleaner, healthier, happier, performed better,
grew taller, became national leaders, and those in building B became
cripples, sewer cleaners, smugglers, terrorists and beggars! This is
really asking to be slapped in the face, and I'll be damned if I buy
this bloody soap.

That Complan ad. has got to be campaigned against, I tell you.
Especially since they showed proof that there were two groups of kids
- one that went on a Complan diet that grew 3 cms more than the other
who didn't. Now, what kind of parents supported this great experiment
and what kind of heartless company would have paid them to prevent the
second group of children from having the opportunity to grow 3 cms
more? What are we talking about here? Using our children as
laboratory animals? How low can this get? This is definitely a case
of abuse. All the fools who raised a hue and a cry against the story
of Slumdog Millionaire depicting our kids in slums haven't clued in on
our own backyard yet.

More and more we see ads for bikes with piddly one hundred odd cubic
centimetre engines that do all kinds of outrageous stunts, with the
warning that those stunts are being performed by experts and should
not be imitated. If I am a youngster and I am supposed to be
impressed by those stunts, why am I not supposed to try them, and why
the heck would I buy that bike if I wasn't going to do any of that?
Duh duh go!

And what's up with Akshay Kumar inventing a new challenge to inspire a
whole generation of youth - finding a Thums Up without putting his
feet on the ground? Of course he had to mention that, or we'd
completely miss the message right? People with feet on the ground do
not drink Thums Up! We got it, thank you.

Now, for the not quite so stupid amongst us - here's a thought - We
don't quite seem to notice, but many of our models and actors do
actually endorse competing brands. See how many you can spot. Here's
a big one to get you going - Shah Rukh Khan, the owner of an IPL
franchise is Dish TV's top model. Dish TV belongs to the Zee group
which owns the ICL, and they are direct rivals. Bloody thief. Go
figure the rest!

Our fundamental right to be smart is never going to be questioned as
long as we don't choose to exercise it! Our fundamental right to be
stupid is never denied.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Baa Baa Brown Sheep!

Baa Baa brown sheep
Have you lost your cool?
Yes Sir, Yes Sir, I'm a total fool.

Just a month ago, I had a job
Sitting at a computer, all day long
Like the rest of the mob
Fiddling around, getting along

All of a sudden, came this recession,
A lot of fear, 'n trepidation
I buried my head, as much as I could
But they spotted me 'n caught me real good

You're fired Mr. Brown,
That's what they said
We're sorry about the frown,
But there's no more bread!

I could keep my car and all my underwear
Beyond that, I was all threadbare
No more credit, no more loans
They just knew I was down to my bones

Baa Baa brown sheep
Have you lost your cool?
Yes Sir, Yes Sir, I could drown in a pool.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

A call to entertain

The quintessential purpose of an entertainer is to entertain, which means, we love being around that person, we enjoy the actions and words, and are willing to forget ourselves when the show is on.

Great entertainers have a quality, no matter what their medium - emotional connect with audiences. No surprise at all here that almost every great entertainer has grown up with and in the midst of a lot of organic, unexplained chaos, disappointment, dysfunctionality, and the ability to pick oneself up after each blow.

To those that know, life is a comedy, and to those yet to figure it out, it is a tragedy. Nothing could ring truer in the case of entertainers. No technique, no training, no structure, no practice and no teacher can substitute for life experience and the entertainer who has had a vast variety of life experiences will invariably hold greater interest for audiences than one who hasn't.

The entertainer, whether it be a stand up comedian, an actor, a musician, a director, or the host of a television show, does not choose to impress as much as connect. It's empathy, a global understanding of the human race, our condition, and an observation usually quite acute as is unique and unafraid. It can be very unsettling for a few people who lead guarded lives to be confronted by such an individual. So be it, so be it!

There are two distinct worlds - that of the entertainers and that of worker ants. The world of entertainers is inherently uncertain yet full of promise, throbbing with energy that mostly won't yield measurable or desirable results. The world of the worker ant doesn't hold much by way of promise but calls for diligence over brilliance. It guarantees three square meals and the occasional banquet for those who care to save up.

The world of entertainers works very hard to understand the world of worker ants, for it is the worker ants that feed the box office. Entertainers are used to hearing NO a whole lot more for their efforts than any worker ant can imagine. But, they cannot afford to drop face or appear negative, for the value of their positive energy sometimes is the only selling point. If an entertainer loses his penchant for risk, he automatically becomes a boring worker ant.

No worker ant can aspire to be an entertainer. A flashy worker ant might imagine so, but there is nothing more pathetic to watch than a worker ant trying to become what he is not. He simply doesn't understand how to let go of all things secure and nice, including, yes, those three square meals. The entertainer does not work for those three square meals. He works for appreciation, adulation, applause, and the ascent to greatness in art, but most of all, just acceptance. It's very hard to be accepted when you're trying to entertain, but then, that's why entertainers are special!

Slowly, but surely, the worker ants have got around to subscribing to and then spreading the perception that one can work towards being an entertainer, through training, through practice and the most insulting of all, through process! There is nothing more amusing to an entertainer than to meet a worker ant who asks him about the process he underwent. But the worker ant can never emulate the life of an entertainer. He just doesn't get it.

But the worker ants haven't given up - they have started businesses that teach the craft of entertaining, of acting, of writing, of looking good, of presenting yourself well, and indeed, of managing your professional life. None of them are however, honest enough to tell you that if you aren't inherently an entertainer, you will probably bore others to death. They won't tell you that the quintessential entertainer's quality of taking maximum risk involves going hungry if you have to, spending the last ounce of energy in one more performance, one more shot at lady luck!

They will systematically destroy your charisma, make you conform, and make you do things unnatural to you, your being, your soul, your system, your mind and body. When you go insane, they will blame you for not being able to take it. But alas, if you are stupid enough to let a worker ant tell you how to be an entertainer, you are insane already! Worker ants find security in effort, a warmth in sweat. Entertainers put in their hard work, but that is not the goal. It is finding that streak of inspiration that will make their work truly special, a standout, and give them that push ahead, into the rarefied atmosphere of greatness captured.

Don't ever let a worker ant fill up the blanks, and there will be many, with talks of diligence and discipline and due respect for tradition. Break all the rules, you rowdy entertainer, and that is what all of us want! All of us want to see you reach for the stars even if you are going to fall. The essential quality of the hero is not preparing for the leap into the unknown, but actually leaping when faced with the unknown. That is what we want from our entertainers, not dogged marches to insignificant victories over trivial obstacles.

If there is one thing that still hangs in commonality between the truly great entertainers of the bygone eras and those of today, it is individual charisma. But, there are fewer and fewer free spirited expressions in the business of entertainment than there used to be. The age of innocence is gone, and the age of over managed delirium is here. The inability to entertain has spawned several new uncreative "captivities" in lieu of engaging entertainment.

We don't need reality shows, we don't need "Moments of truth", and stupid, uninteresting people selling their souls on camera to voyeuristic audiences who're getting the fake deal and loving unprotected rape. We don't need the torture of watching worker ants imagining they are entertainers. We want purity of heart, we want to laugh our guts off, we want to cry unabashedly, and we want to be emotionally drained and then lifted.

We want to hear truths about us that we hate but have to accept. We want to see the world from your eyes for ours haven't seen that much. We want to be reminded that there is a life outside of our petty concerns, and that no matter how much we achieve, there is someone who has achieved more, and no matter how we have fallen, there's someone who's fallen harder.

Only real entertainers can lead us to the planes of joy, of promise, of hope, and of clarity. If you have set your heart on being an entertainer, don't listen to reason, and don't ever listen to worker ants telling you what to do. They just don't know. Use your intellect, but only to inform your actions, not to dictate them. Leap and we will leap with you. Even if you perish, you will rise again. If you hold back you have already perished.

Entertain us, please.